On being thin

I’m at the gym, the song “Fergalicious” in my ears, my mantra repeating in my head

“skinny bitch, skinny bitch, skinny bitch”

The cycles on the elliptical whirring, chirping towards 100 rotations per minute

“skinny bitch, skinny bitch, skinny bitch”

Fergie moaning and humping in the background.
That’s right everyone.  My body stay vicious.  I be up in the gym, just workin on my fitness.  And all these sweaty people are my witness.

I don’t know what it is about the gym that makes men want to leer.  I mean…honestly.  I don’t get it.  The idea of bouncing sweaty chicks is nice in theory, but that’s in a music video, sprayed down with water drops and bronzed to perfection, gyrating on the nearest object… person… animal…. Oh pop music…

In reality, it’s me with a red face and rather funky looking sweats, muttering “be the skinny bitch” under my breath while the men on the treadmills behind me try to get a good angle on my ass.  Great.  All I want is the body I had in high school.  Or better yet, when I was in England.  After I came down with mono.  That was the quickest weight loss plan of my life.

I’ve never gained weight before, or been really weight conscious before in my entire life.  I’ve never had a flat tummy or a perfect butt but I’ve always been on the slender side and always very thankful for that luck.

Enter desk job.  Enter desk job from hell.  You’re so sedentary that you sneak out of the office once a day for what you and the receptionist have come to call “A moment with Abbie outside”   This is the time of day where she laughs at your ass while you desperately soak up 5 seconds of sunlight.  You’re so bored that you’ve started getting food to eat just to get up out of your chair and walk to the kitchen.  This is trouble.  You sit on your butt for 8 hours at work, followed by ½ an hour sitting in the car, and 3 to 4 hours sitting at school…. Your ass has become the center of your universe.  No wonder it’s bigger.  It needs a gravitational pull.  Maybe if you’re lucky, you can get some Krispy Kreme’s and an In & Out burger to revolve around it.

This is me, on a low carb diet, wondering how I’ve gained fifteen pounds and hoping that enough Justin Timberlake can help me work it off (we’ve switched tracks and are machine humping to “Sexyback” at this point).  It is swimsuit season.  And thankfully, although I still have 9 units, they’re online.  This means I can actually be a gym rat every day after work.  Unfortunately it means I have to go during the “breeding hour” where the meat heads just stand in front of your treadmill.  Staring.  But we cherish what we have.  And I cherish “A moment with Abbie outside” and the fact that I’ve started doing more reps on the weight machines already.

I’ve decided that it’s time to be buff.   I’ll get back to you when I can beat you all up.

*mantra humming*  “Skinny bitch, skinny bitch, skinny bitch”

********* PS.   Any time I didn’t feel motivated to to do my PT, I would just watch this video.  I recommend acting it out wearing sweatbands in your living room.  I’m not saying my boyfriend and I did anything like that, but I’m not saying we didn’t.