Beast

I was always that kid. You know, the one who, at five years old would consider the other children stupid because they couldn’t stand still during dance class. I’d roll my eyes and have conversations with grown ups. “Strange kid," they'd say. The kid who would practice day and night for perfection, stuck up swagger,... Continue Reading →

Kind

It is maybe too kind. My phone rings at off hours, at all times. It says things like, "It's been a while" from Tokyo and "U up?" from Los Angeles, and from Nashville it's always, always "I just can't forget.". The singsong cadence of my name, smudges from clumsy fingers, "I miss you..." from all... Continue Reading →

Too Late

I like when you call me too late. When you tell me how just after dialing, you realize what a ridiculous hour it is to be calling just to ask me how my day was. But I just like that you call me. I have a strange affection for the way, after fifteen years, you... Continue Reading →

Measure

I know how to measure my value. I measure in the centimeter sizes of fingerprints. In the shape your mouth makes. I know how to measure my value. I measure in closed fist gut punches, gas stoves, and permission slips. I measure in the words “but” and “not that bad” and “I don’t know if... Continue Reading →

Whole

I’m scanning the internet for a meme, a joke… something to express all of my fears as something light and silly, something laughable to get it off my chest…but there isn’t anything. I want a way to say it all out loud because I’ve been carrying it around for weeks, and I don’t know how... Continue Reading →

Break Them, Lose Them, Leave Them

Lauren and I are decorating the tree.  We're decorating the tree because it is December, because I'm a flexible Jew, and because Lauren is princessy enough to counteract all of my not caring about anything at all.  So we have a tree, and we're putting pink tulle around it.  That's how Lauren rolls. I'm lucky... Continue Reading →

You’re hurting me.

Some days I'm so angry, and they stick me with another needle, and another, and another, and I just grit my teeth and take it. "Anything," I tell myself, "anything to get well." Some days I just stay in my room, I forget to eat and I don't shower, and I cry a lot. I've... Continue Reading →

Snowflakes

I think it's been about five years, and people still ask about you. I think it's been five years because I don't count.  I've never counted.  I try not think about it at all. When I do try to talk about you, I never know where to begin. The first time I saw you and... Continue Reading →

Windows

I want to go to his house and break all his windows.  I want to take everything that means anything to him, and curb stomp it into the ground.  I want to punch him in the stomach a thousand times, until he finally hurts as much as I do, and when he does he will... Continue Reading →

Fall

I've been doing everything I possibly can not to write about you. I shut down my computer.  I make more plans.  I thwart my own desire to write. I don't tell friends your name, I won't introduce you.  I put your flowers on the coffee table and stuffed the hand written note into the top left... Continue Reading →

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