Measure

I know how to measure my value. I measure in the centimeter sizes of fingerprints. In the shape your mouth makes. I know how to measure my value. I measure in closed fist gut punches, gas stoves, and permission slips. I measure in the words “but” and “not that bad” and “I don’t know if... Continue Reading →

Break Them, Lose Them, Leave Them

Lauren and I are decorating the tree.  We're decorating the tree because it is December, because I'm a flexible Jew, and because Lauren is princessy enough to counteract all of my not caring about anything at all.  So we have a tree, and we're putting pink tulle around it.  That's how Lauren rolls. I'm lucky... Continue Reading →

You’re hurting me.

Some days I'm so angry, and they stick me with another needle, and another, and another, and I just grit my teeth and take it. "Anything," I tell myself, "anything to get well." Some days I just stay in my room, I forget to eat and I don't shower, and I cry a lot. I've... Continue Reading →

Snowflakes

I think it's been about five years, and people still ask about you. I think it's been five years because I don't count.  I've never counted.  I try not think about it at all. When I do try to talk about you, I never know where to begin. The first time I saw you and... Continue Reading →

Windows

I want to go to his house and break all his windows.  I want to take everything that means anything to him, and curb stomp it into the ground.  I want to punch him in the stomach a thousand times, until he finally hurts as much as I do, and when he does he will... Continue Reading →

Fall

I've been doing everything I possibly can not to write about you. I shut down my computer.  I make more plans.  I thwart my own desire to write. I don't tell friends your name, I won't introduce you.  I put your flowers on the coffee table and stuffed the hand written note into the top left... Continue Reading →

Pi

The thing I didn't mention about my birthday is my toes. Okay, I did mention my toes. My shoes. What I didn't mention is that since I've lost the heels people would compliment with envy; the beauty, the stride, and the height... if I'm wearing a pretty dress I don't know what to do with... Continue Reading →

Portraits

A little over two years ago, I started taking photographs. I started taking photographs of the gowns I wore - the pills I took. I started taking photographs of pain. At first, I thought it was a weird, pop culture, selfie compulsion... but I wasn't sharing these photos.  They never touched a twitter or a... Continue Reading →

My Girl

The day I was born, my father didn't speak.  He sang. They wrapped me in a bundle and put me in his arms; the youngest, the first and only girl.  There's a faded picture of him cradling me, smiling, singing. "I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day.  When it's cold outside, I've got the month... Continue Reading →

Art. Cynicism.

Travis comes to visit me, but I'm blue, and I'm lousy company.  I shrug, and apologize for being in the doldrums. "My body is broken and so is my heart.  That's all I've got going on right now, and I don't want to bore anyone with it." He tells me that people aren't bored by... Continue Reading →

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